WHAT THE FACO? WAFFLE TACO

REGGIE TAREYAN

meatkillsusall@augie.edu

The Waffle Taco, the latest quick-and-easy delectation from the world-renowned Taco Bell restaurant chain, is something to marvel. One can scarcely imagine a more ingeniously conceived edible. Scrambled eggs and mercurial meat are cocooned within the cozy confines of a folded waffle and festooned with globs of cheddar cheese.

The result is an authentically multicultural dish with Belgian, Mexican and deep-fat-fried American cuisine represented in the recipe. This writer would also recount the taste of this dish to you, if he wasn’t a vegetarian and wasn’t just staring at an online picture of it from organic an underground bunker in his backyard.

Indeed, the Waffle Taco has created a real quagmire for many ethically conscious gastronomists. For years, vegetarians and vegans everywhere have mustered the willpower and the gut reflex to avoid the sinfully oily offerings of fast food establishments. They denounced the reprehensible practices of fast food conglomerates and pilloried the methods used to carefully modulate the flavor of burgers, fries and virtually any other conceivable edible for near-addictive potency. Now, however, this fortitude has been broken.

In recent weeks, vegans and vegetarians across the country have had their families and friends force them into solitary confinement. Without these preventative measures, many are worried they will verily fall prey to the Waffle Taco temptation.

“I used to only worry about a life devoid of meaning,” Augustana vegetarian Matthew Housiaux said. “Now, my belly feels empty too.”

Taco Bell, it seems, has finally stumbled upon a universally irresistible formula. Housiaux’s classmate Olivia Hopewell also bemoaned the Waffle Taco’s transfixing powers.

“I don’t know how it tastes, but just the concept is so titillating I get goosebumps all over whenever an advertisement pops up in my spam folder,” Hopewell said. “And it may not even be meat inside.”

Pundits from all corners of the food industry and culturati have rushed to disseminate their thoughts. Philosophy professor and strident animal activist Peter Singer admonished American vegetarians for their gullibility before compulsively volunteering for a Waffle Taco taste test among the Yale University faculty.

A Belgian waffle farmer praised an increase in his annual crop subsidies. Nonetheless, he also admitted that such monoculture might destroy the soil and is considering planting a French toast plot nearby.

Commenting from beyond the grave, Upton Sinclair, whose diet generally consisted of varying quantities of brown rice, fruit and nuts, asked what a waffle was.

Taco Bell executives, meanwhile, chalk up their success to a storied tradition of Tex-Mex mongering.

“We’re just giving the people what they want,” a blankly sinister magnate with a shoddy comb-over said. “Since no one here wants any authentic Mexicans or authentic Belgians to serve them a waffle taco, we took the initiative and did it in our own, uniquely American way – and we didn’t have to conquer anyone to do it.”

For the vegetarians cloistered in various Waffle-Taco-free nooks and crannies, the prospects appear much less sunny.

“My boyfriend is slipping me spinach-wrapped almonds through the door,” Hopewell said. “If I try really hard, I can imagine it tastes like sausage and maple syrup.