THE TRUTH BEHIND THE PURPLE THREADS

THE WRITER FORMERLY KNOWN AS ALLIE

pickupyouredda@ole.augie.edu

 

Ever wondered why no one suspected Quirrel?

Probably because it would’ve just been too obvious.

So who would have suspected lavender-laden, self-deprecating, poor-old-professor Jeffrey Miller to be an undercover spy for our hated purple rival, the University of South Falls (USF)?

“I would have,” quipped Dr. Darcie Rives-East, fellow English professor and Grinnell graduate. “Others ignored me because they thought it was just my literary-theory mind again.

“But c’mon, seriously, the sneak wears purple 365.4 days of the year!”

In an alarming unraveling of alumerzo events, the seemingly odd-but-harmless professor has exposed himself to be, in fact, The Purple People Eater (purple wearing, and purple here being super-special Augustana secrets).

“As the chair of moral values, I’m personally relieved that Jeffrey’s under review,” Prof. Janet Blank-Libra of the English and journalism department said. “His shoddy behavior has been dragging our community down for years. Now, we’ve got him.”

Following the tip of an anonymous source, our investigative team tailed “Dr. Miller” to what he has called “lunch break”—only to find his cherry-red van spinning out of his favorite Bagel Boy (ignoring stop signs) and speeding over to the USF campus.

Creeping along the edge of campus in a (rather invisible) purple bodysuit, the once-believed supporter of Augustana dropped a thick, stamped envelope—CLASSIFIED—in an unmarked garbage can. These secret Augie documents were then collected by the USF cougar mascot, Snaggelpuss, as soon as the spy departed, Bagel Boy still in hand.

“I guess I was suspicious,” Jeffrey’s sheltered Civitas student Crystal Ortbahn said. “Who eats the exact same thing for lunch every day? Only someone who isn’t focused on lunch—who is using food as a cover up.”

Other students have seen witnessed suspicious behavior as well.

“One time, I went into his office and he was holding a wad of money,” said an anonymous senior source. “He fed me something about Civitas, but I thought he was just lying about drugs. Turns out, it’s worse than that.”

Following the envelope discovery, a fierce interrogation of the USF pussycat involving banana pudding torture revealed that “Dr. Jeffrey Miller”—actually USF spy codenamed Professor Plum—has delivered a minimum of 650,000 envelopes of confidential Augustana information in his multi-generational time of existence.

Further, each purple decoration in his two offices are the USF trophies of counting coup.

“My word, how many secrets has the man revealed then?!” a distressed ASA president Thad Titze said. “I just hope he took the files about reduced transfer meal in the Huddle. That’ll teach ‘em.”

A full Campus Safety investigation is currently under way; so far, progress has been delayed by Professor Plum’s self-destruct stacks of purple-pen-marked paperwork.

The official defensive statement made by Miller: “Oh, god! Well, navy and gold are terrible colors to live by anyway.”

Recruiting Spies