PREZ TITZE DECEIVES STUDENTS

FLOWER CHILD

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Two curly heads are better than one.

That slogan led to senior Thad Titze and junior Matt Anderson representing Augustana’s student body as president and vice president, respectively, of ASA.

Just last night, however, in an exclusive interview with The Augustana Smirror, Titze confessed that his luscious curly locks are a lie.

“I’ve been fooling you all this whole time,” Titze said as he laughed maniacally, with no remorse whatsoever. “With the lack of curly-haired people on this campus, I knew I had to perm my hair to get a leg up on the competition. And it actually worked!”

Titze had to come clean after the student body started questioning where his curly locks came from since his sister, freshman Kirsten, has straight hair. As it turns out, she was in on it the whole time.

“Thad came to me shortly after touring Augie for the first time in high school,” Kirsten said. “He said, ‘Kirsten, I need you to help me win the hearts of future Augie students so I can follow through with my plan to take over the school.’

“Then he pulled out a box of Clairol® perm solution and I’ve been perming his hair ever since, I had no idea that he would take it this far without coming clean.”

Titze admits he debated between perming or dying his hair red, knowing now that he made the right choice because of “all of these God [sic] gingers on this campus now.”

Later, Anderson was found crying in the Canton Room later that night following Titze’s confession.

“I can’t believe he lied to me,” Anderson said. “I get that he lied to everyone else, that doesn’t matter, but how could he lie to me? I thought us two curly heads in this together. I feel so betrayed.”

Titze’s roommate, fellow curly-haired senior Wade Byre was unable to comment on the issue, only repeating “Don’t even talk to me. Bro-code.”

In order to prevent future hairy shenanigans, ASA Election Commissioner Amanda—or Jessica—Johnson has already ordered TSA certified body scanners.

“It was really the only way to make sure everyone’s playing safe,” one of the Johnson twins said. “Now we’ll know what you’ve got under your sleeves, or below the belt.”

Needless to say, there will be an extensive investigation on junior Krista Youngberg’s red hair before next year.