Oliver warns study abroad … or else

Deal with it  

Some seniors to be diploma-deprived

Newman

JollyorEvil?@mail.com

Six weeks from graduation, seniors are about to be swindled and bamboozled—and not just by the government demanding student loan repayment.

Augustana administration has decided to withhold diplomas from students who did not study abroad during their stint on campus.

“If you don’t like it, go pound sand,” President Rob Oliver said. “And if you want to take some #AugieInitiative, build a castle. It’s a great day to be a Viking.”

Some non-travelling seniors decided they didn’t like it. Others shrugged it off, saying that they at least appreciated having six weeks notice.

“Augustana hasn’t taken enough of my money,” said Jon Heiberger, a third-year student who tells everyone he’s a senior “by credits” because Buzzbook says so. “It’s only fair. When you give Augustana tens of thousands of dollars, you owe it to the school to give it a few thousand more.”

Admin admitted its diabolical maneuver is all a stats game. Right now, only 69 percent of Augustana students are studying abroad, meaning that 31 percent are showing a disturbing lack of diversity awareness. It doesn’t hurt that barring graduation means that non-abroaders won’t count against the stats, turning 69 into     .

“We encourage, OK, force, students to experience a different culture,” Oliver said. “For instance, students could go study in England. Sure, there’s a lot of white people, but the accent is a horizon-expander. It’s invaluable, and it’s a great day to be a Viking.”

Administration offered a diploma to any non-abroader Do some investigative journalismwho would kill off the parasite that is Viking Central. Garrett Schempp, another “senior according to buzzbook,” said a diploma wasn’t worth his dignity.

“First they came for the diplomas, and I did not speak out—because I was not a diploma,” Schempp said. “Then they came for Viking Central, and I did not speak out—because you could not pay me to log on to that atrocity.”

When nobody would bite, Oliver made one last Godfather offer: students could either read every edition of the Stall Street Journal ever created or not graduate.

Radio silence.

“I’ll take my chances with my high school equivalency before I read about another slam poet,” said Tom Tow, an alleged senior.

There was at least one senior who said studying abroad positively impacted her Augustana experience. She wishes to remain nameless but said her trip to Thailand taught her that elephants smell and that some reptiles are friendly.

“I like turtles,” she said.

Oliver said that he likes stats more than anyone could like turtles, so his hardline on non-abroaders will stand.

“I want to squeeze every ounce of power I can out of these last few months,” he said. “And it’s a great day to be an Augustana Viking.”