IF YOU’VE GOT AUGIE PROBLEMS, OLE’S GOT THE ANSWERS YOU NEED
Dear Ole, I, like many college students, am pretty strapped for cash right now, and with rising tuition costs on the horizon, I’m worried about the future. What should I do to improve my financial situation?
Desperate for Dollars
Obviously, this is a very common problem for students across the nation, but that doesn’t make it any less serious. Luckily, here at Augustana, we learn plenty of different skills that, while intended to prepare us for the future, can be used now to make some cash on the side.
An easy way to determine which option is right for you is to consider which building on campus you spend the most time in. For example, if you’re in the GSC all the time, it’s fairly likely that you’ve taken some chemistry classes at some point; if so, you could try and pad your pockets with a small-time crystal meth operation.
You already have at least some base knowledge of lab etiquette, and with a little Googling, I bet you could learn how to rustle up a decent quality batch. Plus, I mean, how cool did Breaking Bad make it look, right? Anyway, this route will slightly increase your risk of getting stabbed in a dark basement by a man named Tito, but the profits should be fantastic.
As for those over at Madsen, your business sense and people skills give you plenty of options. The first one that springs to mind is handling the distribution portion of your chem major buddy’s budding meth empire.
Beyond that, there’s an excellent money-saving resource around you all the time that you may not have thought of: your friends. If you don’t see the people at your dinner table as a smorgasbord of walking bank accounts, you ought to be looking at other career choices. Some easy mooching maneuvers are the “I forgot my wallet” and the “I drove last time,” but after a while, you can move into ballsier plays.
Fabricating debts incurred when others were less than sober works, as does the always-classic “split the ticket and eat/drink way more than the other person.” Try a few varieties to see what works best for you!
Finally, if you’re usually in Humanities, just get used to it.
Dear Ole, despite the legendary Augie Advantage, I’m still not having the best luck with the ladies. Any tips on how to end a dry spell?
Coming Up Short
Uh, DUH I got tips bro. What do you think I am, some kind of NERD? I’m straight drowning in it dog. Don’t doubt my prowess. Anyway, your problem is that you’re being a total beta lame when you should be flexing your alpha muscles on every slam-piece in a ten-mile radius.
BEEF up, TANK up, BREW up and hit the party scene with the air of an aloof champion thruster. I guarantee that you find a hot babe to party it up with. You know the drill: identify the target, call her fat, hit on her friends, and take her home. Ole OUT.
Dear Ole, I’m starting to think a friend of mine may be smoking marijuana. Should I be concerned? If so, who should I talk to about it?
Bothered by Buddy’s Budding
Honestly, you shouldn’t even be worried about your friend. He or she is probably totally fine. People get all worked up about pot and it’s like, it’s completely natural, ya know? Nothing in nature can even hurt you, so it’s fine. Except wolves, I guess. And almost anything in the ocean.
Isn’t it crazy that the ocean is like 95 percent unexplored? We know more about the surface of Mars then we do about part of our own planet. Insane. The ocean might be even cooler than space, although space is pretty cool too.
I wonder what it sounds like out there? I mean I know you can’t hear anything, but what would it sound like if you could? I bet it’d be like that Kanye album, the autotuned one. What was that called? Oh, 808s and Heartbreak! So good. Everyone should give 808s and Heartbreak a second chance.
Does Hardee’s deliver? Hardee’s should deliver.
Ole the Viking is a large, Norwegian statue. He is available for in-person questions most Tuesdays.