JANITOR FINDS WINNING BRACKET IN HUMANITIES

While cleaning the humanities building early in March, a janitor discovered David O'Hara's prediction of the Mercer/Duke game in the secret chalkboard algorithm

While cleaning the humanities building early in March, a janitor discovered David O’Hara’s prediction of the Mercer/Duke game in the secret chalkboard algorithm,

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righthandman@hotmail.com Watch your back Warren Buffet, renowned Augustana philosophy professor David O’Hara may have authored the perfect NCAA Tournament bracket. Evidence of Ohara’s feat recently appeared on his blackboard. The professor explained that he went through his usual academic ritual to concoct the holy grail of brackets. “I played a soothing Snoop Dogg track to stimulate my brainwaves,” O’Hara said. “A good ole’ Snoop slow jam really gets me going. It gives me the inspiration I need to prophesize.” Prophesize? Yes, indeed. O’Hara took a summer-long divination course in the summer of 1996 that apparently yields foresight. That foresight allowed O’Hara to predict all the upsets. “Did I pick Mercer to beat Duke? Pardon my French, but darn right I did!” O’Hara exclaimed. “And guess what? To call Wichita State overrated would be to call Tom Billeter’s mustache sexy. It’s a slam dunk. I knew they would lose to Kentucky.” While O’Hara’s claims seem outrageous, a source close to O’Hara explains that he, like George Washington, cannot tell a lie. “I once used a urinal adjacent to Dr. O’Hara,” freshman Trey Persson disclosed. “Naturally, we have shared a close brotherhood ever since. He once said ‘hello’ to me, so I know he would never lie about this.” So they have shared a bathroom and exchanged pleasantries—the benchmarks of brotherhood, indeed. But will Persson’s testimony satisfy the Oracle of Omaha, Warren Buffet, who, like O’Hara, possesses the ability to read the tealeaves? Apparently not. Buffett, in an exclusive interview with the Mirror, proclaimed that he would “wear contact lenses before believing such tomfoolery.” “O’Hara’s story is bogus,” Buffet said. “You mean to tell me than some no-name professor from some no-name college beat me at my own game? Ha! And the Vikings will win the Super Bowl next year, too, I suppose!” While Buffet sounds supremely confident, O’Hara claims Buffett is playing dumb. O’Hara asserts the two have known each other for nearly 20 years, and that Buffett is aware of his genius. “I met ole’ Buffy in the summer of ’96 at our divination course,” O’Hara said. “He was jealous of my telepathic skills, which were slightly more refined than his, but we bonded through our love of Dr. Dre’s ‘Nuthin’ But a ‘G’ Thang’.” In a follow-up interview, Buffett admitted his soft-spot for rap music, but refuted O’Hara’s claim of friendship. “Yeah, I like to bust a rhyme now and then. Yeah, I attended divination class of the summer of ’96,” Buffett said. “But do I know this schmuck? Hell no, I don’t.” O’Hara claims, “The proof is in the pudding,” and Buffett’s denial of his million would be “unconstitutional.” If Buffett refuses to pay up, O’Hara says he will press legal charges. But will evidence on a school blackboard hold up in a court of law? Augie students fond of Dr. O’Hara had better hope so. “If Buffy doesn’t fork over the dough, I’m not just leaving the country; I’m leaving this continent and possibly this hemisphere,” O’Hara said. “I’ll take my talents to a location where my telepathy is held in higher regard. I may look into becoming a snake charmer.”