UBG searches heaven and Earth for hypnotist
UBG has hit a roadblock in planning next year’s entertainment lineup. The organization desperately needs to find a new hypnotist that has not previously performed at Augustana.
“This is crucial to student life here at Augustana,” said President Rob Oliver, determined to be quoted in every Smirror story. “The hypnotist performances draw crowds that could rival Trump’s inauguration.”
A survey earlier this year found that outside of Augustana students, many community members, a few stray animals and even University of Sioux Falls students regularly attend the events.
“I love the hypnotist events,” senior Trey Persson said. “They allow students to escape life for a while. Last year, I was hypnotized into believing I was a chicken, and it was the greatest cluckin’ thing ever.”
The pressure is on to deliver another great hypnotist, Oliver said. UBG governor Jensen Goodell admitted she’s feeling the heat.
“We’ve hosted 48 different hypnotists in the past six years,” Goodell said. “And hypnotists are a dying breed; it’s getting harder to find new and original hypnos we haven’t seen previously.”
UBG is trying new tactics to find the last known decent hypnotist on Earth.
First, it attempted to hire a nine-year-old kid who bought a magic card deck from the Scholastic book fair, but his fee was too high.
Next, UBG tried a craigslist ad.
“Unfortunately, all the replies were from the hypnotists we’ve already had,” Goodell said.
They have even attempted voodoo and ancient witchcraft to resurrect Harry Houdini from his grave. The attempts were unsuccessful.
Another factor is the cost.
Last year, UBG went over its $1 million budget and had to request additional funds from ASA.
Despite this, UBG is asking ASA for more bread this year.
“Really, if it comes down to it, we’ll just cancel other events,” Goodell said. “No one really attends the coffeehouse or movie events or, um, yeah. That’s all we do. Honestly, it’s not too late to cancel Jesse McCartney and keep the ticket sale money.”
UBG has big plans for future of hypnotist entertainment at AU.
“After this year, we are going to be in a real pickle trying to find a new hypnotist, since we will have literally hired every hypnotist on earth,” Goodell said. “So we are focusing on the future and have proposed some ideas that are awaiting Oliver’s final stamp of approval.”
One of the projects involves working with the financial aid and admissions offices to provide full-ride scholarships for prospecting students interested in an online degree in hypnotism and performing for free in the future.
Another major project would involve the physics department pairing with SpaceX and possibly the European Space Agency to send a galactic request for a new hypnotist.
“There’s got to be intelligent life somewhere in this universe, and I hope we find it first, and I hope it does magic tricks,” Oliver said.
If it cannot find a hypnotist in time, UBG plans to host an event and play the critically acclaimed magic documentary, “Magic Mike.”
“My wife was captivated by the movie,” Oliver said. “I haven’t seen it myself, but I’ll trust her judgment. With a name like Magic Mike, he must be good.”