Following the unfortunate death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, suspicions arose as to whether a correlation between being invited to Augustana and proceeding to fall ill exists. Scared of the apparent curse, pop singer Daya refused to make an appearance, her tour manager informing UBG, “We couldn’t risk it. After what happened to Scalia? And dear Maya Angelou? It’s too dangerous.”
With the fear of the curse in the back of their minds, members of the Boe Forum committee have struggled to decide on whom to invite next. After much deliberation, they finally made their decision. Last Thursday, the committee announced that the 2016 replacement speaker will be businessman and presidential candidate Donald Trump. This year’s topic: “Make Augie Great Again.”
“Tickets are selling fast, but we’re excited and ready to give back refunds once the curse works its magic,” forum committee member June Salvage said.
Trump officials appear to be unthreatened when informed of the curse, reporting, “Trump is not your ordinary speaker. He defies normal laws of nature. Anyone who has seen his hair can attest to this.”
Upon hearing the announcement, Campus Safety immediately began planning for student riots due to the controversy surrounding Trump’s viewpoints. Much to Campus Safety’s surprise, however, there has been no uprising. In fact, the opposite appears to be taking place.
Campus officer Travis Rinehart observed, “Students don’t seem angry. They seem happy, excited even.” Shaking his head with dismay, he added, “Trump fever has taken over the campus.”
Indeed, love for Trump has infected students throughout campus.
Junior Phillip Rice recently admitted to being a die-hard Trump fan at heart. While sporting a “Make America Great Again” t-shirt, Rice said, “I am extremely excited for Trump’s arrval. He has always been an idol of mine. After all, Trump has his own line of products, his own reality TV show, and the ability to say anything without inhibition: the perfect qualifications for the next resident.”
Senior Maria Rhode nodded in agreement.
“Trump’s ideas for America are just as applicable to Augustana,” she said. “I can’t wait to hear him speak about the magnificent plan for a wall. t’s just what we need between Augustana and USF.”
Giddy with excitement, Rice added, “And we’ll make USF pay for it.”
Senior Eric Nelson is particularly excited about Trump’s visit, admitting, “Trump University was actually my first choice for school. I was devastated when I found out it had been shut down, but now I have the opportunity to learn from Trump in person. It’s the Augie advantage at its finest.”
Even President Rob Oliver appears to be struck with Trump fever. When asked about his reaction to Trump’s invitation as the Boe Forum speaker, Rob Oliver responded, “He’s successful and smart. He has good words. He knows good words. He’s a winner, not a loser.” With a loving and brainwashed gaze in his eyes, Oliver patted the Trump bobblehead on his desk, adding, “It’s going to be HUGE.”
In shock of the unexpected student support, the Boe Forum Committee plans to keep their fingers crossed that fate will work its magic.
“The invitation curse is our only hope,” Salvage said. “Third time’s the charm, right?”
Trump is scheduled to speak at the Elmen Center April 27.