GSC STUDENTS NAMED ‘MASTER RACE’

 

S.M. ARTASS

sciencewhiz@gmail.com

 

Homo sapiens humanitus.  An interesting subspecies.  Found to highly localize in the Humanities building at Augustana College, these individuals are known for their love of avoiding reality.

As past literature has displayed, humanitus shows a surprising aptitude for not accomplishing anything constructive.

Indeed, they seem to relish the opportunity to confuse themselves and confuse each other with strange concepts like literary criticism, faith, and the Übermensch.

In order to better verify and expand current knowledge on humanitus, I have taken the plunge: I have infiltrated certain classes held dear to humanitus individuals and provide here an initial reflection on this unique Homo sapiens subspecies.

Currently, I am in my fourth year and final semester of this prolonged, immersive study.  I am ending my exploration with a humanitus classic course: “Philosophy 110”—an indoctrination and exemplar of what I have found humanitus individuals to value.  Namely, this course fixates on long-dead historical individuals (Plato, Augustine, Descartes).

Humanitus loves to fixate on dead people.  In addition, this course continually asks questions humanitus is ill-equipped to answer.  I often find myself quietly bemused when humanitus is faced with questions like “What is the meaning of life?” or “Why do you exist?”  It is cute how hard they struggle.

These situations are not unique for those attending “Philosophy 110.”  I can remember clearly back to my initial days in “English 200”—another humanitus mainstay—where humanitus individuals were given poetry and asked what the author meant.  What cruel deception!

Instead of riddles without answers, humanitus is told to play hide and seek with nobody hiding!  And yet humanitus plays along, managing to scrounge up “answers” that reflect on the origins of the universe, the scope of available human knowledge, and the whereabouts of the Commons cups.  Fascinating.

Fortunately, we—Homo sapiens superawesomescientus—can and have answered such questions.  Why do you exist? Because your parents exist!  The meaning of life?  42.  The supremacy of cats on the internet?  Yes, of course, science.  Really, what is better than science?

Augustana is home to a remarkable juxtaposition: just beyond the curious practices of the Humanities lies the GSC, the Gilbert Science Center.  The GSC is marked by its laboratories of hope, professors of change, and mind-blowing discoveries.

It has been reassuring to have such great objectivity in the sea of subjectivity surrounding the Augustana campus.  Just the other day it was found that 2.7 million bacteria cells per square inch reside on water fountains.  Ah, the powers of science.

All of my commitment and sacrifice has allowed me to see that, as a species, humans would be utterly doomed if it weren’t for scientists.  Luckily, we are not doomed, because we have science.  Thank God for science.