smartasshealthBROCK BROMAN

Has the endless winter turned you into a disgusting blob of gelatinous goop that more closely resembles a Midwestern marshmallow “salad” then an actual human being?

If so, don’t fret; mostly because your heart is strained enough already pushing blood through your grease clogged arteries, but also because there’s a simple solution: roll yourself over to the gym and start burning your way back to physical mediocrity.

However, you don’t want to embarrass yourself like the fatty you are, so be sure to take note of these important lessons for being the best exerciser you can.

The first thing you need is a partner to hit the gym with.  Obviously you don’t need someone experienced who can provide helpful tips and motivate you to do your best. This person should be even more disgusting and slovenly then you, so you look better by comparison.

If all your friends are hotter than you, check craigslist or a comparable site, but read the ads carefully to make sure you’re not accidentally signing up to give a guy sexual favors or one of your vital organs instead.

Anyway, once you’ve paired up with a partner to spot you, you can start lifting weights.

Don’t worry about form; you want to look as strong as possible right away, so just grab some dumbbells and start swinging those babies around in a decent mockery of something you saw a big guy do once on TV.  If your joints start to hurt, it’s no big deal; that just means they’re getting stronger.

And don’t forget your breathing: you need to slowly inhale as you lower the weights, and just grunt as loudly and violently as possible on the lift so no one questions the sheer force of your masculinity.

Then, naturally, cap off your set by slamming the weights down as hard as you can and springing up to check the mirror to admire the muscles you’ve developed in the last 30 seconds.

When you move on to your next exercise, be sure to leave the weights wherever you dropped them, and definitely don’t bother wiping your crotch sweat off the bench; those well-paid attendants are there for a reason, you know.

Finally, we’ll finish up with some tips for addressing others in the gym, since the fact that there are people there of course makes it a place meant for socializing. People love being talked to while they’re exhausted and dripping in sweat immediately following a workout, or even right in the middle of it.

Guys, this is a great time to pick up ladies too; they love the attention, and definitely mean it in a positive way when they refer to you as the “Stare Master.”

Lastly, one quick tip for the locker room: you should wander around nude as hell and be as open and social as possible. That’s what old guys do, and who knows better than those with the most experience.

There you have it, all the tools to a successful exercise session. Now get out of your miserable cycle of sedentary sadness and haul your chunky self to the gym to maybe eventually become less of a worthless piece of garbage than you are today. You can do it!