Category: Archives

Previously Published Stories

Augustana freshman speaks in class

Freshman contributes to discussion ABE FROMAN sausageking@chicago.com Fidgeting in his seat, Erik Malling raised his hand before mentally chastising himself and throwing his hand under his desk. “I just couldn’t do it,” he said. “‘There are boundaries here, man,’ I…

Is there a hypnotist out there?

UBG searches heaven and Earth for hypnotist SHAZAM WOW itreallyworks!@aol.com UBG has hit a roadblock in planning next year’s entertainment lineup. The organization desperately needs to find a new hypnotist that has not previously performed at Augustana. “This is crucial…

USF grad gets management position, Augustana doesn’t know what to do

USF grad succeeds, AU mourns CYNTHIA FROMSEIN pinkishhue@wasitblue.com While Augustana may once have been top dog with a 98 percent job placement rate, confidence has recently been slashed—by a Cougar. Chad, a 2016 University of Sioux Falls graduate, has landed…

Emails prove to be morale MURDERERS

Seniors excited to get off email lists Richer Pryorities likeburninghimself@yolo.com During his freshman year, alleged senior and computer science major Tom Tow went hog-wild at his first Augustana activities fair. “I just thought, you know, ‘new school, new me,’” he…

Oliver warns study abroad … or else

  Some seniors to be diploma-deprived Newman JollyorEvil?@mail.com Six weeks from graduation, seniors are about to be swindled and bamboozled—and not just by the government demanding student loan repayment. Augustana administration has decided to withhold diplomas from students who did…

Staple or paperclip? Yes, this is a real debate.

Oh, staple, you doth keep us in tandem Allow this humble defense of the most maligned office instrument, the simple staple. Staples are a vital part of life. Without staples, papers become a disjointed anarchy. It’s a great frustration. Yet…

Study abroad gives meaning to brokenhearted fellow

Feckless youth finds meaning abroad after lustful yearnings leave him empty   Like all regrettable things in life, it all started with a kiss. Just one kiss. After an October evening of ESPN, chicken wings and beer, my buddies and…

No, those kids are tryin’ their hearts out, America

  The Augustana Mirror is not-not fake news. You could even say it is not-not-not-not fake news. And here is a pure, un-unaltered fact: the Mirror has a 102-percent chance of telling the truth. Some might disagree with this statistic,…

Yes, they’re two-bit writers with nothing better to do

It’s pathetic. It’s failing. It’s SAD. The journalists of the Mirror are all losers, folks. They don’t win anything, they have the worst words and they have tiny hands. I don’t even know how they edit the paper with such…