Augie Green takes ‘all natural’ to new heights with campus revamp
Donning birkenstocks and flannel shirts, Augie Green members dispersed throughout campus and balanced on their left legs, hands gently folded in front of their hearts. Eyes closed, they held the meditative “tree pose” for approximately 30 minutes.
“We are standing in solidarity with the trees,” Liz Renner, president of Augie Green, said. “It’s only one aspect of our new and improved 2017 sustainability plan which will turn Augie into one mean, green and Energy Star-certified machine.”
If approved by President Rob Oliver, the 69-page sustainability plan could bring forth serious renovations. First on the list: abolish the Vikings.
“Vikings are pillagers of the land!” Renner yelled through a bullhorn at an rally Tuesday night. “And beneath deceptively sweet Ole’s horned helmet is the mind of a murderer! A raider! A destroyer of the Earth! The glutton has got to go!”
The organization announced the proposed replacement mascot at the rally.
“We’re gonna put a bird on it,” Renner announced. “We’re gonna be the Augie Avians.”
Minutes after the announcement, the campus was stripped of Ole idols, and symbols of birds were drawn on desks and walls in every building on campus.
“We are seeing a revolution forming before our eyes,” Renner said. “Augie Greenos won’t tolerate this campus’ giant, stinky carbon feet walking over us any longer.”
To symbolize their sustainable revolution, Augie Green members plan to demolish the Ole statue in the center of campus and replace it with a soaring dove holding an olive branch made of salvaged recycled materials.
Senior Carl Norquist, student artist and Augie Green member, is even building a 10-foot statue of Henry David Thoreau. The statue will be erected in the corner of the President’s Office.
“He’ll be positioned so he’s slightly hovering over Rob Oliver’s desk,” Norquist said, “That way, Oliver will have to stare into the eyes of Thoreau before making any administrative decision.”
After drawing his blinds shut to Augie Green protesters outside his window, Oliver nervously wiped a bead of sweat from his forehead.
“There has to be some middle ground,” he said. “I want to work with Augie Green, but some of what they are proposing will cost millions.”
Meanwhile, students assembled to protest Oliver’s non-eco-friendly stinginess.
“Green minds over green dollars! Green trees over green dollars! Green students over green dollars!” students chanted from outside his window.
To conserve water, Augie Green’s plan proposes the Elmen Center swimming pool be used as a communal lavoir. Clotheslines will be strewn all along campus for students to air-dry their laundry.
“The ‘Fresh Linen in the Breeze’ smell would be great for prospective students touring,” said freshman Shauna Pauli.
Reading through the pool proposal, Rob Oliver shook his head in disbelief.
“If they want to conserve water, why don’t they follow the good, ol’ fashioned ‘If it’s yellow let it mellow, if it’s brown flush it down’ rule?” Oliver asked.
It turns out the mellow-yellow rule is in the sustainability plan too, along with locally-sourced shower water from the Big Sioux River and rationed amounts of daily drinking water, also from the river.
“Students will be allowed 64 ounces of drinking water each day,” Pauli said. “But if they have pretentious adventure stickers covering their BPA-free bottles, they receive an extra ration.”
Augie Green is also collaborating with the cafeteria to turn the football stadium into a large greenhouse where it intends to grow 96 percent of the food consumed on campus.
“Yeah, yeah, the football team loses its playpen, but think of the sacrifices Mother Earth makes for us daily,” Renner said.
According to the plan, all signs of large corporations must go, too. Goodbye Coca-Cola vending machines and hello more urban cultivators. Goodbye Starbucks and hello Kombucha tea bar.
Augie Green intends to have the campus looking as it did before liberal arts students staked claim to the land, so to achieve the “back to the prairie” look, all paved sidewalks and parking lots will be un-paved. The sides of streets will be reserved for faculty with Priuses.
Herds of deer, driven by hired wranglers, will also appear on campus.
“This was their land before it was ours,” Pauli said. “And with our deer friends roaming around, there will be no need for dirty lawn mowers.”
According to Augie Green, the proposal, pass or fail, will go in effect on Earth Day, April 22. The organization is already planning its Earth Day celebrations which will begin with the reintroduction of the annual Nude Night on 2nd floor Granskou.
“What better way to celebrate Augie going all-natural than going all-natural ourselves?” Pauli said.