ASA CHANGES BUDGETING AGAIN

asa

NICK CAGE

freemasons@conspiracy.gov 

In an effort to prevent student groups from accumulating unused funds, the Augustana Student Association (ASA) announced an innovative new approach Tuesday to allocating funding.

Inspired by the popular National Treasure movie franchise, the new plan will involve giving a $150 “travel stipend” to each group, which student leaders will be encouraged to put toward an international scavenger hunt for the bulk of ASA’s funds. If none succeed in tracking down the $150,000 hoard, the money will roll over into the next year, raising the potential findings for future adventurers.

Sources say the ASA senator’s will spend most of summer 2014 on setting up the intricate path of clues, dead ends and implausible security breaches en route to the mother lode of cash.

Despite the intense effort and upfront costs, however, ASA is optimistic about the long-term benefits of the new project.

“We had to pool a lot of the budget and convert it into nondescript gold statuettes,” said senior treasurer Seth Vogelsang, who may or may not be a high-ranking Freemason. “It was a lot of work, and a few rather smart people have told me they thought it was a really stupid idea.  But over the years I think we’re going to see benefits.”

Sophomore Jeffrey Larsen agreed, saying, “It’s going to save a lot of money. By that I mean a lot of money is going to be hidden away and wasted forever because no one is going to bother looking for it, but I guess in a way that counts as saving money.”

Several faculty who asked to remained unnamed for fear of negative repercussions and general loss of respect have endorsed the plan, saying that sending students abroad for funding will rid the campus of the most annoyingly overinvolved members of the student body. “At least they won’t be in my classes plugging their trivial busywork group events all the time,” said one professor. “I know we promote a liberal arts attitude and all that, but some of these kids, I mean, it’s just getting totally out of hand.”

If the new plan works well, there may be other Hollywood-themed revamps over the next few years. According to one source in the ASA, Michael Bay — notorious director of the Transformers franchise — has taken notice and expressed interest in designing a follow-up featuring large numbers of potentially deadly explosions.

Treasurer Vogelsang remained tight-lipped regarding the rumor. “I can’t confirm or deny that we’re already thinking about future themes such as The Hunger Games or the Saw franchise,” he explained via email. “That said, pyrotechnics and fatalities would definitely add some adrenaline to the group funding process.” When asked about safety concerns, Vogelsang was unworried, pointing out that “Whatever we do, it’ll at least be a safer than Augie dances are.”